I am going to start scrapbooking again. It is such a great distraction for all the things that are plaguing my mind right now. Wish me luck!
Feeling 30, feeling dirty, feeling flirty, feeling blue.
My birthday is in 10 days. At 4:10am EST, April 30th, I will be 30. It shouldn’t be a big deal. It shouldn’t even be any different from any other birthday but it is. It really is. It seems to have transformed how I think about my life on a daily basis.
I have intensely questioned my self-worth, my career choices, my relationships, my friends and quite negatively deemed myself as a complete failure thus far.
Oh, I know, I just chuckled too! Look at me, pity party for one. The last 29 years have been a complete waste of time, at least, that is just how it looks to me so far.
I am examining myself, like ‘what have you done that matters?’, ‘what is your purpose since being young is no longer an option?’. Is it losing the youth that bothers me? No. It is not being anywhere near where I thought I would be by now. And having this pit in my stomach about how I might never get to where I want to be in enough time to enjoy it. I know it sounds silly but I really can’t help how I have been feeling lately.
I take a look at my life right now, I have an okay job working for a corporate office as an admin. I am bringing home a paycheck, thank God for that. I am not married, not single, but not married with no real clear view on if that is going to ever happen or if it even should and I have no children which scares me to death because after 30, it can start to be difficult. I have maybe 10 good years left for healthy eggs and that is a huge maybe since I have taken birth control since the womb or though it seems.
So now what, I have 10 days to get rich, get married, have a child and be right on track for 30! Right?! Wrong. Obviously, that isn’t how life works, life doesn’t even work like that if I had taken the last 10 years to actually prep for this moment. So ‘what should I have done differently?’, I mean really, how could I even know the answer to that? Life is pretty funny like that because maybe if I made a left instead of right, 4 years ago, I would be in Kentucky and not New York or I would still be right here, complaining. You just don’t know. Or do you? I definitely don’t.
Nonetheless, it is bugging me. I can’t shake it. The truth is though, realistically, on April 30th, I am going to wake up and say thanks to the birthday wishes, smile and say ‘yes, today’s my birthday, I am 30’. What else is going to change? Nothing. I don’t even think I am even doing anything special for my birthday. Mainly because I just didn’t want to throw myself a party. That just seems so self-celebrating, if that’s even a thing. Apparently, it’s just not really a big deal to turn 30. I thought if it was celebrated like it was then maybe I would lose sight of how disappointed I am in myself for being so far behind my expectations.
I just don’t have a clear view of what I even want anymore since everything I imagined would be now is dust in the wind. I am passing the finish line but it is only because it is the same line as the starting line. So others are finishing and I have just begun. Every article you read says, ‘ don’t compare!’ How can I not look at the peers around me, man?! Impossible. I don’t have the right answer. I guess this is more of a venting piece of writing than anything else. Like a journal entry that no one will read.
I am supposed to end with a conclusion but I have no real wisdom to conclude. Next time you are “feeling blue,” just say your “feeling thirty” and I guarantee you, everyone will understand.
If you could fast forward to a specific date in the future, when would it be? Photographers, artists, poets: show us FORWARD.
I don’t know why anyone would want to rush time to the future. If I could do anything about time, I would slow it down and cherish each moment the way I know I that should every time I look back on my past.
If you fast forward to a specific date, you will have arrived in the present time and will constantly be running towards the next moment without enjoying the present one.
Children don’t rush to be adults. Adults don’t rush to your next phase. Seniors don’t rush to your death. If we all take a minute and slow down, you might realize why we should.
Part 2 from Tyrese Gibson. Words of wisdom about taking control of your own life. What’s on your menu? Do you like what is served at your table or will you send it back? It is always your choice. You need to change your mind to change your life! Preach!
Tyrese sharing words of wisdom about life. It is knowledge that everyone should take with them while entering the New Year!
Last month was kind of rocky for me. I was very anxious and I didn’t know how to handle how I was feeling but in the last few days, I managed to pick myself up again. I started to remember what was important to me, well maybe not what’s important but rather what makes rational sense.
I have had all these fears about trust, betrayal, liars, failure, invasion, etc. and for what? The fear only holds me back from moving on. Trust is a big issue for me and it’s really something that I need to dismiss. I can still be myself and be good to people and I shouldn’t have to worry or fear their betrayal because if they lie, cheat or damage the trust that is fine and do you know why? The reason is at the end of the day, I will still have me. I will still be the person I was and the person I am. Knowing that I did my best in whatever type of relationship I have whether it be friends, family or romance, I will know that I gave my best, I was honest and I didn’t hurt anyone.
The bottom line is that fear is a wasted emotion. Rather than being an emotion it’s a thought that manifests into action by taking away action. Fear has held me back for so many years in many aspects of my life and I am ready to let it go. I am not going to worry or jeopardize my future because I am afraid of losing, missing, or getting hurt.
If you hurt me, the joke is on you. Hurting me only shows pain in your reflection. Lying to me, cheating me, that isn’t going to hurt me, it will hurt you because at the end, you will have lost the person who didn’t do those things to you and I will have the lost the person who did. I think I win that battle.
I also realized that there are no mistakes. There are only observers who judge us. My so-called mistake may be a blessing that only I can see or only you can see. Life still goes on. Nothing in life is that detrimental (besides death related choices) that it can’t be fixed or handled or dealt with on a new path. Just because you aren’t on the road you set out to travel on, doesn’t mean your destination isn’t where you are supposed to be. Everything we do leading up to this moment hasn’t been made in vain. If the oxygen is still running through our bodies and we wake up another day, whatever judgement that was passed on us yesterday has been released because we are still alive to do better.
I am not going to let anyone hurt me anymore. I am not going to be defeated anymore. That doesn’t mean I am fighting the fight, it just means that I am not going entertain the observers. I am going to do the best I can with what I have and love my final destination because it is my journey and I chose it myself whether it was consciously or not.
Last night at 12:00am, technically this morning, I walked into GameStop and picked up my Day One XBOX ONE!! It was exciting. We only waited in line for about 25 minutes and it took about a minute at the register. We obviously reserved ours before hand and it was a good thing because if you didn’t reserve it ahead of time, they had no more to sell outside of the reserved list!!
I never pre-ordered, reserved or waited outside a store for a Day One anything in my life. I am glad I did especially because there were maybe 40 people on line at most. It wasn’t crazy, it wasn’t freezing and I had my best friend with me. He was really excited when we got home. Setting up all the stuff like a little kid on Christmas. It was cute as much I hate to admit his cuteness because he’s a “stupidhead”.
Anyway, I digress. We exchanged 360 COD:Ghosts for XBox One game and I think I am going to download Madden NFL 25 and all the other games we want right from the system. Tonight, I am making my own profile and little avatar and that makes me happy. So yay! My very own XBOX ONE!!
light in the wilderness
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